I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Randomize
