I can't watch pbs sober anymore
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
