So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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