do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
