If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
