now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
