i was born a porn star she said
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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