I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
