I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
