like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
