I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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