never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
the liver wants what the liver wants
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Pooping to opera.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
