Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
