me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
