I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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