neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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