I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
