the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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