So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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