I met the friendliest cop last night
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
