I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
