i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
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