just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I love you. Go after that dick
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
