the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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