yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
