Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
