so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
