you turned your livingroom into a bong?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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