my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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