I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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