she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I faked an abortion last night.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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