I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
