I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
