Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
It was like getting head from an anaconda
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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