Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
