I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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