im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
