she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize
