Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
