When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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