I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
