Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
