So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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