He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
