I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
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