hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
