I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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