he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
