Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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