OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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