I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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